Present Mother

"Yesterday is history

Tomorrow is a mystery

But today is a gift

That is why it is called the present." 

                  

I often dreamed of the kind of mother I wanted to be. Those dreams increased when I found out we were pregnant with Samuel. One of the ways I wanted to mother was to be present. Not just physically present  but present in every sense of the word. Not worried about planning out my day, not overwhelmed with things to accomplish, not distracted by T.V. or books... but in the moment, enjoying and cherishing every second with my children. Oh, how I have failed miserably in this area of parenting but by Gods grace I've never lost sight of the importance of "now." I hate watching my precious kids fall asleep at the end of the day and feeling regret over not investing in them the way I want to and the way they need me to.

Last night I found myself distracted and disconnected as I put Simone to sleep. She was swaddled, peacefully growing drowsy. I was there physically but was reading a magazine. I felt God ask me to stop reading and look at my daughter. I put the magazine down, turned to Simone and started talking to her. I told her how excited I had been when I discovered I was pregnant with her. I told her how, for the first months of pregnancy, I would literally get butterflies in my stomach every single time I thought of the little person growing inside of me.  As I talked to her my eyes started dripping water :)... then before I knew it tears were streaming down my face. The gratefulness to God for creating such a unique, strong willed, passionate and incredible child overwhelmed me and I just cried and cried. I wonder what Simone was thinking.  As I spoke she watched my tears and looked into my eyes. Maybe I confused her with my tears but I think she felt my love... and most importantly her Fathers love. As she drifted off to sleep I lay there and watched her, feeling so thankful for Gods voice asking me to be in the moment with my little baby. I would have missed that absolutely precious experience had I not listened to the Fathers voice... and all for what? A stupid magazine?!? I can't take back all the moments I've missed but thank Jesus for countless opportunities today and in the years to come to be a present Mother!

Dairy and Simone

Three days ago I made the hard choice to give up dairy a second time since Simone was born. It's funny and a little sad... especially in this case... how hindsight is 20/20. Looking back I realized a couple things. 1)  Simone's sleep gradually digressed as I gradually added dairy back into my diet two months ago. 2) I realized how much food means to me (not a good thing). 3) Most importantly I realized that I had a strong instinct to leave dairy in the dust as soon as I started eating it again. Instead of listening to instinct I talked myself out of it. She wasn't showing the symptoms she had the first seven weeks of life. When she was born I had been desperate for a solution for my poor, unhappy, shrieking baby. I knew in my heart that something was not right. She would writhe a lot, pulling her knees up towards her chest. She ate for hours at a time and often woke up screaming in the middle of the night. She had lots of gas and experienced little content time even after eating for two hours straight. Unfortunately, possible reasons for all those symptoms are endless. In the moment it seemed finding the culprit for the symptoms was like finding a needle in a haystack. However, within three days of changing my diet Simone was a different baby. Happy, content and eating in half the time.

Two months ago I decided to try to add dairy back a little at a time. Sadly the symptoms were different this time. An incessantly runny nose and sleeplessness. I was watching her like a hawk and she seemed very happy during the day so I thought I was in the clear. About four weeks ago the nights went from bad to hellish. I often stopped counting the times she woke and wanted to be fed because it was too many to keep track of. 10, 12, 15 times and more that she would wake. Every morning I felt I had been tortured all night. I would sleep between fifteen and forty-five minutes and then she would wake up fussing. I thought because of how often she nursed that maybe she was going through a growth spurt. Or maybe she was teething. Or maybe she had an earache. Or maybe it was the darn cold that seemed to be holding on for weeks. Needless to say I reached a point of desperation. So... that yummy goodness called cheese, milk, sour cream, kefir, cream cheese... it had to go. I had to make sure it wasn't causing the insane nights. The first night without dairy she woke up seven times. A marked improvement. The second night she woke three times. Incredible. Last night... ONCE! It just can't be a coincidence! It's been months since she only woke once. Also, her runny little nose is no longer runny. THANK GOD for mothers instinct... that little, quiet, persistent voice in the back of my head that I should have listened to a long time ago. Maybe mothers 'instinct' is actually just Gods quiet voice guiding us. Showing us how to parent and how to keep our children safe. Whatever the case, I am thankful for that small yet strong voice and through this process have learned to listen better.

First Post.

I've wanted to blog for a long time but just hadn't taken the time to start one until now, thanks to my sister Maria who encouraged me to take a minute to set this up.