Thursday, March 10, 2011
The "heart melt, I'm so proud of you" moment
*"Get out of my way, jerk!" My immediate reaction was frustration. I sat down for a moment and cooled off, then called Sam who was in the bedroom playing with Simone. He came to me right away. I gave him a big squeeze and said in a sad voice, "oh Sam, it's not ok to say to your sister "get out of my way, jerk." Lately he's been experimenting with calling inanimate objects some not-so-nice names and this was the first time I'd heard him call Simone a name. Without me asking him to apologize he walked over to Simone and said in such an adult voice, "sorry, sweetheart.'' He also gave her his motorcycle to play with and completely changed his attitude towards her.
A little example of the kind of person Sam is. I'm proud of him!
A little example of the kind of person Sam is. I'm proud of him!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Better Than On Time
From the beginning of our marriage there has been an ongoing conflict between me and my man. Anyone who knows us is aware that our paces of life differ greatly. In my fast paced brain, I am always thinking twenty steps ahead. Jacob, on the other hand, moves a mile every two hours. Of course he moves faster than that but it feels like he's moving that slow, especially when it's time to get out the door. Our processing time is very different as well. When someone asks me a question I rarely have to pause to process or think about my response. It's on my tongue immediately. Maybe that's a problem:) Jacob can take hours, days, or even weeks to process a question or conversation we've had. I tend to view life through an urgent filter... Jacob does not.
Sunday morning I found myself alone in Starbucks feeling frustrated and angry. The plan had been to leave early from Jacobs parents and make the three hour drive to our home church in Southern, IN. As you may have already guessed, that didn't happen. So I sat there alone, feeling sorry for myself. Of course, this was completely Jacobs fault and I had no responsibility in this problem(said sarcastically). If only he had moved faster, decided to eat milk and cereal instead of making oatmeal, not drank his coffee SO slowly, sped up and down the stairs like I was doing, prioritized and thought ahead... basically, if he had done things exactly my way we wouldn't have been in that predicament. I, on the other hand, had packed the night before, woken up at 5:45, forgone pretty hair and instead thrown it up in a messy bun on top of my head.
It was my birthday and things are supposed to go perfectly on your birthday, right? Earlier that morning as I watched the short hand of the clock move past 7 my anxiety and anger mounted. When I found myself snapping at my sleepy son, who had been rudely awakened by his mother, I knew it was time to let go of getting to church that morning. It just wasn't worth damaging my family relationships. With sleepy, sad Sam in my arms I sunk into the couch cushions, defeated and mad. As I sat there rubbing his back I struggled to find peace... the problem was I had placed so much expectation in going to church and seeing my friends that it was hard to find peace. God has been showing me that my sense of well being will constantly be changing if I'm placing my hope and happiness in people or circumstances. So it was that day that I found my happiness gone because Jacob had failed my expectations.
Later, as I journaled in Starbucks and tried to process the feelings that accompany being late or not getting to our destination at all, I felt God ask me a question. It was the one clear thought in the midst of yucky emotions, hurt feelings and confusion. At first I said no to God in my heart and kept writing, trying to figure things out by myself. But He asked me again so I stopped writing and just sat there, fighting hard because what He was asking of me was IMPOSSIBLE!
God had just asked me to let go of being on time. Not just for that morning, but for forever. I could use up many words about why giving up this area is a really bad idea, not to mention there's no way I had what took to do such a thing. Isn't there something spiritual and necessary about being on time? It's a discipline essential in life. Being on time teaches us to think of others more than ourselves, requires time management, planning ahead, showing respect for others time, etc. How could I give that up? I had kids to teach, examples to set and, let me be honest... embarrassment to avoid of being late or not there at all. I had religious reasons to back up my anger and frustration. However, once again, God the Father who knows best had other plans for me. I'm learning to trust that His ways are higher than my ways. He wasn't just asking me to let go of being on time, He was asking me to choose relationship with my husband over being right (aka, on time). I've fought so hard to be on time our whole marriage but trying to control this area has only led to further anger and frustration on both our parts. So, I answered Him... "Yes".
How does one let go of being on time? What would that even look like practically? Honestly, I'm clueless but I'm trusting that when God asks something of me He always gives me the grace and wisdom to see it through. I have a feeling that each situation will require me to respond 'yes' and that letting go may look different every time. God's good and I have to admit I feel relief. Getting us places on time is no longer my responsibility. I'll do my very best to plan ahead, being responsible for myself and the little ones, but I'm done trying to control my husband to do things my way, in my time and losing peace when my plans are forced to change.
Sunday morning I found myself alone in Starbucks feeling frustrated and angry. The plan had been to leave early from Jacobs parents and make the three hour drive to our home church in Southern, IN. As you may have already guessed, that didn't happen. So I sat there alone, feeling sorry for myself. Of course, this was completely Jacobs fault and I had no responsibility in this problem(said sarcastically). If only he had moved faster, decided to eat milk and cereal instead of making oatmeal, not drank his coffee SO slowly, sped up and down the stairs like I was doing, prioritized and thought ahead... basically, if he had done things exactly my way we wouldn't have been in that predicament. I, on the other hand, had packed the night before, woken up at 5:45, forgone pretty hair and instead thrown it up in a messy bun on top of my head.
It was my birthday and things are supposed to go perfectly on your birthday, right? Earlier that morning as I watched the short hand of the clock move past 7 my anxiety and anger mounted. When I found myself snapping at my sleepy son, who had been rudely awakened by his mother, I knew it was time to let go of getting to church that morning. It just wasn't worth damaging my family relationships. With sleepy, sad Sam in my arms I sunk into the couch cushions, defeated and mad. As I sat there rubbing his back I struggled to find peace... the problem was I had placed so much expectation in going to church and seeing my friends that it was hard to find peace. God has been showing me that my sense of well being will constantly be changing if I'm placing my hope and happiness in people or circumstances. So it was that day that I found my happiness gone because Jacob had failed my expectations.
Later, as I journaled in Starbucks and tried to process the feelings that accompany being late or not getting to our destination at all, I felt God ask me a question. It was the one clear thought in the midst of yucky emotions, hurt feelings and confusion. At first I said no to God in my heart and kept writing, trying to figure things out by myself. But He asked me again so I stopped writing and just sat there, fighting hard because what He was asking of me was IMPOSSIBLE!
God had just asked me to let go of being on time. Not just for that morning, but for forever. I could use up many words about why giving up this area is a really bad idea, not to mention there's no way I had what took to do such a thing. Isn't there something spiritual and necessary about being on time? It's a discipline essential in life. Being on time teaches us to think of others more than ourselves, requires time management, planning ahead, showing respect for others time, etc. How could I give that up? I had kids to teach, examples to set and, let me be honest... embarrassment to avoid of being late or not there at all. I had religious reasons to back up my anger and frustration. However, once again, God the Father who knows best had other plans for me. I'm learning to trust that His ways are higher than my ways. He wasn't just asking me to let go of being on time, He was asking me to choose relationship with my husband over being right (aka, on time). I've fought so hard to be on time our whole marriage but trying to control this area has only led to further anger and frustration on both our parts. So, I answered Him... "Yes".
How does one let go of being on time? What would that even look like practically? Honestly, I'm clueless but I'm trusting that when God asks something of me He always gives me the grace and wisdom to see it through. I have a feeling that each situation will require me to respond 'yes' and that letting go may look different every time. God's good and I have to admit I feel relief. Getting us places on time is no longer my responsibility. I'll do my very best to plan ahead, being responsible for myself and the little ones, but I'm done trying to control my husband to do things my way, in my time and losing peace when my plans are forced to change.
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