Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Perspective!
I've been going through another identity crisis. Not as bad as it has been before... but feeling slightly depressed and not sure what I'm doing as a Mom. It doesn't feel natural to be a Mom sometimes. I feel bad for my kids because they're living in this apartment and I just feel like they are missing out on so much because they don't have a yard to play in. We take them to the park as often as possible, but it's not the same. I feel like I lack so much as a parent. Patience, involvement, energy etc. I'm terrified my kids will grow up not feeling connected, loved, taken care of and have bad childhood memories. It's terrible. Since we don't have a second vehicle I feel trapped sometimes during the day. Then I feel horrible for feeling all that and the vicious cycle starts. I was praying today and asking God to give me perspective. He answered my prayer by bringing to mind two specific memories. Both were times that Jake and I were cleaning carpet in the early months of our marriage... I hated that job!... and we walked into two different homes where the Moms had toddlers. One of them had blueberry muffins in the oven, filling the house with amazing smells. The other was making beds and running around the house keeping her kids out of the way. Both scenarios were comforting to me in a way!! I couldn't wait to start a family with Jake and be a Mom. And here I am. I get to be that Mom that bakes yummy things for her kids, teaches them anything I want because I'm with them all day, play with them, cry with them, see them take their first steps and say their first words. I get to tear up everyday, multiple times, as I see them grow and change and amaze me. My heart swells with pride at who they are becoming and the gifts they have. I get to make a home and create things in my spare time. I have the amazing privilege of doing what many working Moms wish they could do. The job is, hands down, the hardest job I can imagine. There are days I literally want to pull my hair out. Days I feel lost and confused, angry and sad. Days I feel like the worst Mother alive. Days I know that things are out of balance and I'm not giving my kids the very best. But my gosh, I wouldn't change my choice to have kids. Just like anything good and lasting in life, there is always a lot of pain involved. I am so thankful for my job and that God changed my heart this morning so dramatically that instead of taking a nap, I laid in bed, so excited and thrilled. I couldn't stop thinking about the future I have with the kids and Jake. What a crazy turn around. Thankful for a God who hears me and so thoroughly changes my heart and mind.
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Being a stay at home mom IS hard. On one hand it's hard to give your kids the attention they deserve because your with them constantly and it zaps all your energy, you tell yourself you'll play with them later, and you find yourself focusing on everything else you want to accomplish that day. On the other hand it's easy to lose yourself in your kids and let your kids become your identity. It's a tough balance and it's a vicious cycle that's easy to get lost in. My brother in law once told me (after being a stay-at-home Dad for some time) that being a stay-at-home parent was the hardest job he ever had- mainly because of the emotional roller coaster you experience everyday- when you wake up you don't know if your kids are going to be cranky or happy...you can't anticipate a tantrum, or a disobedience, or spilt milk, etc. It's emotionally exhausting. You're not alone in feeling this way, and the fact that you worry about being a bad mom assures me that you're not. I totally understand the guilt battle, the fears, and I think they're thrown in our lives because our job IS important- and something is trying to tell us that it's not and that we're not good enough. But you are good enough and what you're doing is important and I'm glad that God changed your perspective and you have a renewed sense of excitement. Hold onto that. You're a great mom. And a great wife.
ReplyDeleteKristy, your response made me tear up. There is nothing like being understood and knowing that someone can relate. Thank you for your encouraging words! It means a lot.
ReplyDelete:) This made me smile and look forward to the future! Thanks for your honesty and openness.
ReplyDelete-Kylin
You totally made my morning! I am pregnant with my second child and have had the same thoughts and feelings. I always see mommies with multiple children and think, "How do they do it, how will I do it?" Knowing you already have 2 of your own and another on the way reassures me that I am not crazy, nor alone. Thank you for being transparent.
ReplyDelete- Lisette